opening up

My goodness, it is almost a whole month since I have put finger to keyboard on here.  What have I been doing?  cracking up basically, things have built up and got on top of me and before you know it I am sobbing my heart out at the local municipal dump, because the nice man in the viz jacket tells me I have put my rubbish in the wrong container.  Finally, after a weird panic attack at work, I have been signed off for two weeks.  My Doctor tells me I have got to breathe (always a good idea),  but apparently I was breathing too shallow and it was causing strange things to happen to me,  my blood pressure is up, my blood pressure was never up, even when I was pregnant.  My doctor has told me I need to regroup (I’m not sure who with) my life, maybe look at a change of job – not easy, when you’re 52, single, mortgage and two offspring at home and feeling very unemployable – I mean that in the sense of earning a decent enough living where I can look above the parapet and not feel like I am treading water the whole time..  I know I have my painting (and I thank God that I have), but I need to know I will be able to pay the bills at the end of the month and put food on the table. 

Isn’t it strange, while typing this, I have been called away to answer the phone, It was a colleague from work ringing to see how I was, and also lifting the burden off my shoulders of a couple of projects that were on my desk, and whilst talking to her , I was saying the thing that gets me down is my lack of money.  Then just as I start typing again, the postman drops a single envelope through the door, and it is my tax credits  information for the coming year and it has increased a little. It is almost like someone was saying don’t worry, you’ve got this as well.  I’m sure my mum and dad are watching over me.  When things get tough as it feels at the moment, I have often noticed a little sign as if to say ‘we’re here’.

Enough, I’m off to the garden….



7 responses to “opening up

  1. Oh Joy, the times we are in places like this seem so long. I wish I could take up your burden for awhile. Usually when you look back it seems like not a long time at all. I hope that will be true for you.

  2. Oh Joy I’m soo sorry to hear this,sounds like your stress levels are beginning to get out of hand and making you physically ill. I know there are no easy answers and money can be an awful worry especially when you don’t have enough (do we ever have enough?)but you really are going to have to try and find a way to reduce those stress levels. Take this time off work to relax and spoil yourself just a little bit, catch up with your painting and take one step at a time. By the way have you started an Etsy shop yet to sell some of that lovely art of yours? Come on I know it would sell and although it would never make your fortune it would probably give you enough for the odd treat here and there, why not give it a go? Anyway think about it. Meantime, enjoy the garden and relax. Take care.
    Carolyn x

  3. I’ve really missed you and have checked here often. I’ve wanted to email you and should have. I am so very sorry that so much is weighing on you. I wish I had a magic solution, I wish I had the means to send you a big fat check so you could really breathe. However all I can offer you is endless moral support. The thing to remember is to inhale, exhale and try to find a positive spot on the wall to focus on. That is FAR easier said than done I know….I truly know. But it’s a first step. Take this time to give yourself a regrouping period as the doctor suggested….and you may think you are unemployable but I doubt that is true. Get your paintings out there too, somehow, some way. I don’t have all the answers for sure…but just know that those of us who care about you will be here to sustain your spirit when there are times you can’t sustain it for yourself.
    Sending love, light and hugs,

  4. Oh its so sad this all is happening to you but you know without the sad days you cant see the bright ones. I hope your garden and paintings give you the extra energy you need right now. Carolyns comment about Etsy shop is a good idea. Why dont you try…WOW, you photo is beautiful!

  5. So sorry to hear you’ve been under the weather and everything, but very glad to see you back here. 🙂 Stay strong.

  6. Oh Sweetie, Life is just so rubbish at times isn’t it? You know what I say? Wallow and wait…it’s the only way. start fighting the crap and it just keeps coming at ya! I’m living it and surviving it, but you are right the money thing is the very worst of it…Take care.x

  7. Hope your enjoying the garden, thoughts are with you. I have my black moments mainly about paying the bils too. Catch up on some painting, you paint lovely pictures. things have a habit of when all os looking bleak things turn around

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